What we learned in our wilderness

 This morning in my scripture study, I was struck by the reminder Moses gave to the children of Israel after their 40 year journey in the wilderness: "For the Lord thy God...knoweth thy walking through this great wilderness: these forty years the Lord thy God hath been with thee; thou hast lacked nothing". 

Portugal, for us, has been a wilderness place. When I read the words "thou hast lacked nothing", I mentally contest that a little bit. Let me explain what I mean by that though. Instantly, I remember the times of absolute overwhelm due to our "lack". Lack of housing, lack of car, lack of help from Braden's professors, lack of care from leadership at the embassy, stability, family, friends, comfort,  communication, money, trustworthy teachers for the kids, work opportunities for me, fulfilling social connections, and on and on and on. It feels like the gaps were painfully plentiful during this wilderness journey. And isn't that what a wilderness is, afterall? A profound lack. Scientists agree that the defining characteristics of a wilderness are that a place be: undeveloped, natural, remote, and a place of solitude. That applies perfectly to our metaphorical wilderness. It sounds like the perfect place to be be taught. To refresh. To refocus. 

So how can it be that when I look back over this season, my heart can rejoice in gratitude as I echo Moses' sentiment- that we too, lacked nothing? 

What I've learned is that sometimes the Lord leads you through a wilderness, removing everything extra, everything comfortable, everything known and predictable, and reliable. In this state- we become vulnerable, humble, more pliable. We find that without comforts to distract us, we look to and lean on the only true source of comfort there is in this universe. 

For the last 3 years we have been in Portugal for Braden to recieve his PhD so that he could continue to teach at the Air Force Academy. At least that's what it says on his official paperowork. But the real reason we came to Portugal, at least in part, might be for us to learn that we are the children of Israel. 

We saw the Red Sea part, we ate manna from heaven day by day, we drank water from a rock, and still we wanted to go back to Egypt. 

We hadn't escaped slavery, but we had been given the opportunity to free ourselves of habits, mindsets, distractions, and busyiness that didn't serve us. We had been invited to stop focusing on what felt like an immense lack, and rest in his generous providence. He led us to what felt like a barren place and offered us the blessing of allowing His light, love, and presence, to fill the gaping holes in our hearts and minds. 

 Here's the thing about being massively behind on recording our life's happenings: it's sad. And if that doesn't say it all, it's also overwhelming and tragic and crushing. So I'll just jump back in like I didn't just neglect a decade of nuggets, and we'll just move on. 

It seems likely that this is perhaps our last month in Portugal. That's a big bucket of feelings to sort through, and I don't think I can quite do it yet. But my brain and heart are trying. I suspect that we will be unraveling this one for years to come. 

A few weeks ago, Marcio (a guy Braden played soccer with who got baptized with his wife and two sons last November), called and told Braden that he was throwing a surprise party for his wife, and it was really important that we be there. Turns out it was for us. It was overwhelming. When we ran inside, looking for her and filming as Marcio asked us to do, we saw a room full of our people, clapping for us, surrounded by red, white, and blue balloons, complete with our picture on the wall. They asked Braden and I to speak and we did our best at processing this experience on the fly in front of the group who was most affected by our time here. Maisey also volunteered to share, and I was so impressed by what she said. She talked about how often times she just wanted to go home, but she can see how much growth she's had, and how much she's learned. We offered the mic to Elise and she classicly said "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no". 

In the initial moments of entering the situation, when my brain was trying to figure out the situation, I saw a room with our friends. A room full of people we love, our people. And then later, as I really looked around, my brain was trying to analyze what would bring each of these people here on a long holiday weekend. I realized that we had been in a position to help just about every person there in some way or another: paying for an emergency dental surgery, moving several people with our van, storing belongings in our garages, career training, rent money for the jobs lost, support with the loss of a baby, etc, etc; 

I recall Reese giving Braden a blessing in the days just before we came here where he said that there were people here who were praying for help and he would be able to answer those prayers. Looking around that room, I realized that the blessing had been fulfilled. We had indeed been positioned to be able to respond to the needs of many, many members of our ward. 

I don't claim to know all the reasons we came here. It seemed important that we come. The cost seemed high. The journey was all uphill. But looking around that room filled my heart with so much love and my eyes with so many tears. It was that feeling you have when you know God used you for His work. Of all the things I've felt in my life, that feeling has to be among the most supreme.