Things that make me pee my pants (besides trampolines)

Funny I should decide to hit 'publish' on that back to school post today. It's been in my 'draft' box for over a month now. I came to the computer to see if I could crank out a post before Emmett wakes up. Ironically, today is the girls last day of school. After many many many hours of thinking/stewing/praying/researching/networking/praying more/researching at all hours of the night, we decided to home school. My primary reason for doing so is Lila. It has become clear that she is not progressing in a public school environment. They are giving her resources but it it not effective, or perhaps not enough. They simply aren't meeting her needs and I'm not going to stand back and watch her struggle. When I told her teacher she agreed that she needs a small setting. and she also admitted that she didn't know what to do to help Lila. She said Lila is unlike anybody she has ever taught before. Several people have asked why I don't just leave the other two in and bring Lila home. I think Maisey and Anabelle can also benefit from some aspects of home school. I am excited that they won't be gone from 8-5. I'm excited that it will free up our family time in the evenings and give us a chance to do some extra curricular activities. I won't miss hearing about mean kids or ridiculous group punishments that Anabelle's school implements. I'm excited to get the one on one time with each kid. I do not know how I'm going to make that happen. There are so many things I have worried about. My self doubt has been completely gripping. I have woken up countless times over the last month consumed with fear of failing my kids and husband in taking this on. I have a constant inner dialogue happening where I'm trying to push trough the doubt and fear and trust that this will be good. Will I ever work out again? Will my house ever be clean? At the end of the day, I have gained an unmistakable conviction that this is right at this point in our lives. I don't know how long I will do this. I just know that it's right for now. And the only thing to do once you've gained that knowledge is just forge ahead, with all the faith and strength one can gather. I have read and read and read and Braden made me a desk and I painted the bookshelf and bought maps and books and supplies and curriculum and now.....we're ready to start. Class begins Monday.

There is a part of this that deeply saddens me. It's losing my Elise time. Not that she won't be around. But I don't want to view her like an obstacle in the way of what I need to accomplish. Having a two year old by my side every hour of the day is one of the most magical treasures of my life. Don't get me wrong, they are straight up insane at times. Irrational emotional unrelenting little creatures. But I love spending my days with a two year old. That relationship is so precious to me. So I'm in mourning about the changes that are no doubt coming to my partnership with Elise. I will miss doing "teamwork" with her. I hope I can still find time in each day to carve out a space just for her.

Here's to taking a running start and charging right through big (scary) changes. Here's to closer relationships with my kids, more quality family time, teaching them things that are dear to my heart, remembering how to do math and grammar, and doing it all in sweatpants.  

School!

 A good school for the girls was my main concern and priority regarding our move to Oklahoma. Countless hours were spent researching districts, programs, boundaries. This house is the only one we felt peace about, although it was not connected to a school I was excited about. We are 20 minutes away from the school so the girls spend a lot of time on the bus. They were ecstatic about this. I was dreading it. They were all so excited for the first day of school. We gave them the "stick together" talk (about ten times). Although Anabelle goes to the intermediate school next door, I was really disappointed to not have her with the others, for I count on her to keep tabs on her sisters.

end of summer {2015 version}

On the last official day of summer, (according to the school district) I insisted that we have so much fun together as a family. I was feeling all sorts of weirdness about school starting and was mourning the changes that were coming. This summer was different than any other. We moved to Oklahoma at the beginning of summer. We moved to a street with no neighbors. We moved to a ward where everyone lives 20 minutes away from everyone else. My kids only had each other (and the 9000 ticks that live in our backyard. Maisey managed to get tight with about 7 of them). They played all day together. They managed to ruin an entire wardrobe of clothes thanks to the abundance of red dirt. They swam and dug and skated and scooted and got lost in the woods behind our house. That part was not magical. When I found them (Lila & Maisey), they were confused about my panic. Maisey explained calmly that they had left the yard (which really has no true end- it just opens up to a small wood) in search of Unicorn land. But to their great surprise they had only stumbled upon dinosaur bones instead. She proved this by holding up the broken beer bottle she was holding. It should be obvious at this point why I was dreading the start of school. Anyway, we did have a great last day of summer. (million percent humidity not photographed but present).  

This is what it looks like when dreams come true

I have always loved gathering around a campfire. A beach bonfire was one of my favorite activities growing up. In all our marriage I have been longing to have a fire pit of my own. Circumstances have never permitted that UNTIL NOW. We now have over an acre of sand and weeds and it was finally time for all of my dreams to come true. While I lay in my bed in mastitis-migraine-misery on my birthday, Braden was busy building me a fire pit. It gave me a reason to live when I wanted to die. If you think that's crazy it's because you haven't had yourself a wicked case of mastitis. I did briefly consider the benefit of dying on your birthday must be that the headstone is cheaper because they only have to print one date. And it seems fitting that my last act for my family should be to save them a few dollars. 

But I digress.

Fire pits. Soul-bearing bonding moments. Funny story sharing moments. Sticky gooey chocolaty moments. Holding babies tight on your lap as they are silently mesmerized by the dancing flames. Easy dinner with no clean up. It's all my favorite things. 

Down side: forced hair washing for everyone. Except maybe that's actually an upside? 

Big shout out to Braden for making pretty much all of my dreams come true.