Funny I should decide to hit 'publish' on that back to school post today. It's been in my 'draft' box for over a month now. I came to the computer to see if I could crank out a post before Emmett wakes up. Ironically, today is the girls last day of school. After many many many hours of thinking/stewing/praying/researching/networking/praying more/researching at all hours of the night, we decided to home school. My primary reason for doing so is Lila. It has become clear that she is not progressing in a public school environment. They are giving her resources but it it not effective, or perhaps not enough. They simply aren't meeting her needs and I'm not going to stand back and watch her struggle. When I told her teacher she agreed that she needs a small setting. and she also admitted that she didn't know what to do to help Lila. She said Lila is unlike anybody she has ever taught before. Several people have asked why I don't just leave the other two in and bring Lila home. I think Maisey and Anabelle can also benefit from some aspects of home school. I am excited that they won't be gone from 8-5. I'm excited that it will free up our family time in the evenings and give us a chance to do some extra curricular activities. I won't miss hearing about mean kids or ridiculous group punishments that Anabelle's school implements. I'm excited to get the one on one time with each kid. I do not know how I'm going to make that happen. There are so many things I have worried about. My self doubt has been completely gripping. I have woken up countless times over the last month consumed with fear of failing my kids and husband in taking this on. I have a constant inner dialogue happening where I'm trying to push trough the doubt and fear and trust that this will be good. Will I ever work out again? Will my house ever be clean? At the end of the day, I have gained an unmistakable conviction that this is right at this point in our lives. I don't know how long I will do this. I just
know that it's right for now. And the only thing to do once you've gained that knowledge is just forge ahead, with all the faith and strength one can gather. I have read and read and read and Braden made me a desk and I painted the bookshelf and bought maps and books and supplies and curriculum and now.....we're ready to start. Class begins Monday.
There is a part of this that deeply saddens me. It's losing my Elise time. Not that she won't be around. But I don't want to view her like an obstacle in the way of what I need to accomplish. Having a two year old by my side every hour of the day is one of the most magical treasures of my life. Don't get me wrong, they are straight up insane at times. Irrational emotional unrelenting little creatures. But I love spending my days with a two year old. That relationship is so precious to me. So I'm in mourning about the changes that are no doubt coming to my partnership with Elise. I will miss doing "teamwork" with her. I hope I can still find time in each day to carve out a space just for her.
Here's to taking a running start and charging right through big (scary) changes. Here's to closer relationships with my kids, more quality family time, teaching them things that are dear to my heart, remembering how to do math and grammar, and doing it all in sweatpants.
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