gratitude for today

Braden took the girls to Reese's for the twins baptism. I am home with the boys. Levi is sick and is not sleeping well, but nursing frequently. I have to start school again on Tuesday and I don't feel like I've had Christmas break yet. In fact, I don't feel like I had a maternity leave or second to catch my breath. There was so much I planned to accomplish during our two weeks off from school, and so far none of it has happened. I stayed because I think Levi will recover more quickly at home, and I also had great hopes of productivity that's not possible with a full house of kids.

I awoke this morning (after nursing every 2-3 hours in the night), with the plan to get Christmas all put away and the house redecorated and cleaned. Having that done would then allow me the mental clarity to start chalking things off my long list. But the thought made me sad. I realized I'm not done with Christmas. So I asked Emmett to take all the ornaments off the tree because it would be less painful if I didn't actually start myself. The look on his face when I gave him the green light on the very activity I've been busting him all month for-fantastic. I sat and nursed while I watched him do this and it just didn't feel right. I decided we weren't going to take down Christmas. In fact, we were going to stretch it out as long as possible. I put on my favorite Christmas songs and told Emmett to put the ornaments back while I made salt dough for some home made ornaments. I got some Christmas potpourri simmering on the stove and I felt so much better.

The day is almost over now. I didn't take or make any calls or texts. I didn't check emails or Facebook or deal websites. Emmett didn't watch movies or play with toys. We were just together. We read, we did puzzles, we cleaned and cooked. We smiled at Levi and made him laugh and Emmett asked to hold him about 30 times- for three seconds each. He does what he calls "cheeking Levi" which involves Emmett poking Levi's cheeks and Levi smiling every time. I simply loved my boys. I basked in every minute of our togetherness. Levi looked into my eyes and burst into a smile- the kind that starts with his forehead getting big and then it turns into a full body wiggle. I broke into tears out of pure love and the deepest joy and gratitude. My heart feels like its spreading into other parts of my body because it just can't hold all that love in my chest. Having Emmett by my side all day, chatting, laughing, singing, and playing is medicinal. I wish somehow motherhood could always feel like this.

I also have time weird tingling almost nervous sensation in the pit of my stomach. I think it's because I recognize the gift that today is. I know I won't always have soft squishy baby cheeks to nuzzle and naked tummies to kiss. I won't always have toddlers singing "Glooooooria.....inexcelsisdeeeeeeeeooooo" while they quietly play or use the bathroom. In the recesses of my heart I can't see being happy without these things. Now that I know the profound love of children I can't imagine life without every one of them. And it's going by so fast.

Today was absolutely amazing, and I never got out of my jammies or left the house.The thought came to me from the topical guide on temples, stating that only the home can compare to temples in sacredness. That is exactly how today felt- sacred. My home was filled with a love so pure and joyful I was on the brink of tears all day.

My thought as I approach this new year is that I want to be fully present in all I do- particularly as a wife and mother. I want to give my family my best self. I want to build castles and confidence, share play-doh and simple testimonies. I intend to be conscientious about things that distract me and habits that don't serve me well.

My life is so busy. The pressures on my shoulders are heavy. My responsibilities and demands on my time are consuming. I know that it's not possible for me to accomplish well all that I would like to. The only way I know to handle this is to start each day with a prayer and ask Heavenly Father to show me what is needful- just for today. Because while I'd like to spend all my days like today- absorbing each child and doing nothing but loving them- dishes and dinner and laundry are real. So are callings and yard work and grocery shopping and visiting teaching and scripture study and working out and journaling, and a hundred other worthy endeavors. I have a constant stress-like a cloud hanging over me, that I'm always neglecting at least a handful of very important things. I trust that if I ask Him what He wants me to do with my day, and then listen for that direction, that cloud will disperse. I'm committing to be better at this.

I hope with all my heart I have an untold amount of days like today in my future. I hope I recognize them and take them. I'm sure people all over the world saw amazing things today and had exciting adventures. I wouldn't trade any one of them for the pure and beautiful love I experienced in my home today. 

Last December 12th....

On this day last year I had just found out that my tubes were completely blocked. I felt sad. Deeply sad. I knew it didn't mean that we weren't going to raise another baby, because I felt strongly that we were. But it forced me to wonder if I would ever get to bear another child. I mourned the chance to feel a baby inside me, to have that powerful birthing experience, to enjoy that beautiful bond that only nursing can bring. I won't say I felt hopeless- in fact I recall clinging to hope. But I sat with all those feelings for several weeks and recognized the honor it is to bear children. To love someone so completely, so deeply, so fiercely, so profoundly, and so instantly. 

Today I sat staring at Levi and thinking over what the last year has brought. I spent the entire year in some state of sickness/discomfort/pain/inconvenience in relation to the making of him. I would do it all again in a heartbeat (but please- nobody make me). 

I look at him and I see a miracle. I feel blessed. I feel grateful beyond words. I feel happy and elated and I don't want to miss a moment of it. 

I can't believe three months have gone by. He laughed for the first time two weeks ago. He beams when you make eye contact with him- the kind of smile that involves his whole body. From his content and cheerful disposition to his good sleeping habits and his slightly altered ear, he has my heart. 

I would sleep in fragmented blocks of time and smell like spit up forever if he could just stay my tiny baby. I swear it's true. 

Just about every day I thank him for coming to our family. I don't know if he had a say in that or not. But I want him to know how grateful I am that he's here and that he's mine.  He slid right into our hearts and brings us all a daily chunk of pure joy. 

The First Thanksgiving (with Indians and Pilgrims and the whole shabang)

....that Jason and MaShay ever traveled 20 hours to come to our house. Minus the Pilgrims and Indians. Plus eleven kids, including two nursing infants. Add in a torn LCL for Jason, black friday shopping for the moms, the Ferreiras for dinner, lots of late night grown up talks, and waaaaay too many delicious cheeseburgers from various places, and it equals a truly great holiday. Now that's a math I can get behind. 

Rhone and Emmett are pretty much the best of the besties. Thick as thieves. They broke all kinds of rules together, and got away with a lot of it-partly out of too much chaos, mostly because it was hilarious. Their bond was forged out of their love of potty talk and cemented with Batman, cars, and tractors. 

Nora and Elise were similarly glued together, only brought together by the finer things in life- ie: dresses, the color pink, purses, and princesses. 

As for Levi and Paige, they took naked diaper pictures together against their will so they pretty much have to be tight forever and ever.

Lila toted Kate around and ate up the fact that she had a little person to care for.

Anabelle drifted between groups, eavesdropping on every possible adult conversation and locking away bits of information into the superhuman vault that is her brain.  

Cousin friends are legit as it gets.  

School was a bit of a joke this week. Not in a funny way. More like in a, "Oh snap, make sure we read all the signs at the zoo so they learn something" sort of way. But we just had to soak up all the family time we could. We really had a great time with MaShay and Jason and consider them not only family, but wonderful friends. Hopefully next year we'll be moving closer to them and these get togethers will be without the elements of stress that accompany travel. But the fact that they were willing to endure those factors to party with us naturally bumps them up on our Christmas list. Actually, time bumped them up on our Christmas list and it was a nice thing that they were here while it was our rotation to give to each other. Saved me a trip to the post office and I got to see them open their presents. Just kidding about the post office too. I would never cheat on Amazon with the post office. 

They've been gone for several days and I keep thinking about them. Mostly because we're all still sick as a result of this week-long party, but also because I really loved having them here. And also, they left a lot of stuff here and I keep finding it everywhere. 

This Thanksgiving when we counted our blessings, family landed pretty near the top of our list. 

Lila's happy place

Having something furry to carry around and mother brings her immeasurable joy. It brings out all the best parts of her. It seems to heal her soul. She seems connected. She has peace. It can be difficult to capture her real smile in a picture. Right until you put an animal or a baby on her lap. And if it's a baby animal-you're golden. And then the love in her heart spreads over her face, and you have captured the essence of Lila

Levi's blessing

Our Father in Heaven, by the power of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood which we hold, we take this enfant into our arms to give him a name and a blessing.

The name we give him, which he will be known upon the records of the church for the rest of his life is Levi Connor Reynolds.

Levi, we bless you at this time that your mind and your body will be strong. That you will do great works in the service of your Lord.

We bless you Levi, that you will be a support to your family. You've been blessed with a special, gentle, caring spirit.

We bless you Levi that you will understand the sacrifices of those  that have come before you that will allow you to grow within the safety of the gospel. We bless you Levi that you will honor and respect the women in your life and especially your sisters and your mother.

We bless you Levi that your testimony will grow and develop; that you will be courageous with it; that you will spend your life seeking out those who are ready to embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ.

We bless you, Levi with a love for the scriptures. We bless you to know your Father in Heaven and to understand the plan that He has for you. That when the time comes to serve a mission you will be prepared and you will be full of faith and excitement and a desire to do His work.

We bless you that you will enter the temple of our God with a worthy woman and that together you will raise children unto the Lord.

Again, we bless you to start early developing a relationship with your Savior and your Father in Heaven.

Levi, the Lord has great things in store for you. Look to those around you. Look for the examples in your life. Seek out good company.

You are a chosen vessel.

These blessings we leave upon you in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ,

Amen

Celebrating 75 years of southern folk

My parents were here for our birthday week. They came to help with Levi and to tend the kids while Braden took me on a birthday trip to Florida. The kids warmed themselves over 75 waxy candles that only slightly ruined Dad's pecan pie. We still ate it because it's not like pecans grow on trees. Actually they do, but they don't grow on my trees, making them a hot commodity. I insisted that we have all 75 candles represented and burning. That's a lot of years and a lot of life experience and the least we can do is be honest about it to honor all that time. 

What I'm really appreciating about my Dad at this season of his life is that he's still improving. In fact, I'd say I've seen more change in him over the last 2 or 3 years than in my lifetime. He's allowed himself to soften, to be humble, to be more flexible and gentle. 75 year old Dad is my favorite Dad of all. He just keeps getting better. I feel that I can still see the gospel working in his life-even though he's known it all his life-he's preached it, read it, studied it, given powerful talks about it- the power of the gospel, the atonement, the ability to keep changing/growing/improving, is actively working in his life. I've loved watching that process in him, and I'm grateful for that example. 

My Mom is the poster girl of gratitude. You could put her in the bleakest of circumstances and she'd find something to be grateful for. She would count herself truly blessed. And she wouldn't just say that- she would feel it and believe it and there would never be a word of complaint. I know, I watched her live through some heavy challenges and that's just what she did. 

I don't love their southern food but I do love their southern souls, and I'm so grateful for their grit.

                                                                                                      

Destin(ed) for a fantastic birthday

Braden did this super cool thing where he arranged to take me to Florida for my birthday weekend. Because the beach is always very healing to my soul but the salt water is also very healing to my postpartum body. Plus super cheap airfare. So it just made sense. And because if Braden doesn't get time away with me he gets little bits of grumpy. Because I never forget to be a mom but I sometimes forget to be a wife.  Stepping out of the trenches of motherhood helps me remember that. My parents agreed to watch the kids. Even though it was their birthdays too. Because I guess that's what parents do- make sacrifices to make their kids happy-no matter how old they are. 

Over the last three weeks, Levi and I have discovered that we have a lot in common: we both like to eat in the middle of the night, we both like to sleep in my bed, and we both have longish fingers. However, on this trip we discovered an unfortunate difference. While I derive great joy out of sitting on the sand, listening to the roar of the ocean, it makes him cry. And after Levi's been crying for a while, it makes me want to cry. I'm not going to say he ruined the trip- because it was still totally a good trip. But he did put a little damper in it. To make up for it, he slept through the night on my birthday! Way to be aware buckaroo. I'm fairly certain that was a result of having cried his face off the whole day before, but still. I obviously couldn't sleep because MILK, but, I did get to sit on the balcony and enjoy an absolutely incredible view of the ocean. 

We had a cool experience while Braden was tracking down the best burger in the area (seriously-he does research). We sat in a bar chatting with our waitress who asked us if we were Mormon-this after she learned that Levi was number six. She told us that she was raised in the church but is inactive and is also dating a guy with the same story. She mentioned that they had discussed going back together. I told her how happy the gospel makes us and said that it was so nice to have a solid foundation. She said that's exactly what her life has lacked- a foundation. As we were tipping her (really well) and paying our bill, I remembered that I had a Book of Mormon in my purse. I had gotten behind in the ward reading challenge when I had Levi and had brought it to catch up while lounging on the beach. I decided that she was probably the real reason I had the thought to bring it. I said to Braden that I wanted to highlight a passage so she had something to draw her in. He suggested 3 Nephi. I was turning to get there when the clear thought came into my mind : "No. 2 Nephi 9". Just as I was about to say this to Braden, he said, "Actually, how about 2 Nephi 9". I highlighted it, wrote my testimony and phone number in the front, and haven't heard from her since. But it was a powerful witness to me of the power of the Holy Ghost to do God's work. 

Loved seeing the ocean, digging for shells, shopping, and eating with Braden. We didn't get to swim as much as we wanted. We didn't get to nap on the beach as much as I wanted. But time away is time away and the beach is always my happy place. And not doing any dishes. But seriously, dishes are the worst. It was an expensive way to get out of doing them for a few days but sometimes you just gotta.

Thanks to Braden for making #34 count.  

The beginnings of his great big body smiles

If every morning started with a walk on the beach at sunrise would I ever lose my patience with the kids? Probably not. I would very likely be the kindest mother in all the world with perfectly folded laundry and timely nutritious meals. Unfortunately for them it doesn't look like we will ever find out. 

I could look at this view alllllllll day. All things that make my heart gooey- beach, baby, Braden.

Fun dinner with the Williams and the Divineys