Last night Anabelle and I ended the year on the couch, listening to the last chapters of the Book of Mormon. We made a goal that we would read it together. We may have gotten distracted so we had some serious time to put in at the end, right up to the final minutes of the year. She is sick and we both ended up falling asleep in this endeavor. I woke up and saw a beautiful moment before my eyes-my teenage daughter snuggled up on the couch, who had been completely determined to finish her goal even though she was in pain. The magic of Christmas was all around us and she was illuminated by the various Christmas lights around the room, despite the fact that all the lights were turned off. I sat and looked at her for a few minutes. As I said my prayers a bit later, I recalled briefly the blessings of our year. It was overwhelming.
-Braden's opportunity at BYU to do something he loves and is good at.
-His performing so well in school despite the fact that he had two surgeries and was also teaching.
-Our trip to Amsterdam.
-Our family trip to California and the precious time spent together.
-Health! To have six kids in good health is never lost on me.
-The kids being at a good school and thriving there.
-I completed my doula certification and was able to attend childbirth ed training.
-Levi got tubes in his ears and it really helped me feel better and be happy.
-Living so near the temple and getting to attend often.
And so much more.
I really feel specifically grateful for the many times I felt Heaven's guiding hand directly influence me.
Like when I had that experience with Irma in the temple.
When Paula died I felt so sad to lose her. In the month following her death I had a few experiences in the temple-one in particular doing initiatories- where I gained an assurance that her work on the earth was done. Things become so much easier to absorb when you know that it was Heavenly Father's will. My trust in Him is such that knowing He purposefully had His hand in something makes living with the consequences a totally different experience. I've dreamt about Paula twice, and both times she was SO completely joyful and seemed happier than anything this life affords us. These experiences have been a tender mercy to me and have been so healing.
Our next door neighbors are inactive members. A few years ago she used to be the primary president. And then they lost a six year old son to the flu. We know this from older ward members. Although nice, they keep to themselves and try to fly under the radar in our neighborhood, especially Keli, the Mom. I was sitting in the adult session of Stake Conference in August and she kept coming to my mind. I've only had one real conversation with her and certainly have no relationship with her whatsoever. All throughout the meeting my mind was turning to her and by the end I had determined that I was being prompted to invite her to Stake Conference the next day. We were invited to go get ice cream with other ward members but I felt strongly that I had better get home so I could talk to her. By the time we ran to the grocery store and got home, it was 9:30 and I felt rude knocking on her door. But I did. And no one answered. So I walked away feeling for a slight second relief that I had done what I was told but that I didn't actually have to have that awkward conversation. That relief lasted about 3 seconds and I knew my job was not over. I went home and looked up her number in the ward directory, and sent her a text asking if she was home. Almost two hours later, close to 11, she replied that she had just got home. She asked if everything was okay and I could tell that she was alarmed at the message because we don't really know each other. I told her yes, everything is fine, but could she step outside to talk to me for a minute. She said yes. Braden and Anabelle were awake and I asked them to quickly kneel with me and pray that I would know what to say because this felt very unnatural and uncomfortable. When I walked out my door I could see her waiting for me and she looked anxious. As I walked slowly to her I was comforting myself with the scripture that promises that "you will be given in the very moment" what you should say. I was on the Lord's errand and I was wholeheartedly banking on that. I reached her and stood in front of her, smiling nervously and waiting for the words to come. Nothing. So I said hi and waited again. Still nothing. It felt thick with awkwardness and since there were literally no words in my brain- I decided to tell her what I knew. That I was sitting in Stake Conference and no matter what the talks were about, her name kept coming to my mind. I explained that I had been thinking about her throughout the day and I didn't know why, but that she was heavily on my heart. I told her I had no idea why, I just wanted her to know. During this explanation, I did have a distinct impression from the Holy Ghost that this is not about inviting her to church and I knew that I should not bring it up. It felt like I had that idea in my head because He knew I needed to have something to say to get me out the door, something that made sense to my logical brain to give me just the amount of courage to go on, but once I was there I got different instructions. She immediately started to cry and said, "I know why". She went on to tell me that they had been all day at a family reunion out in the middle of nowhere. A family member who she didn't know at all choked on food and ended up dying. While they waited for half an hour for an ambulance, she watched as someone gave him CPR. She said it took her right back to watching her son receive CPR for several minutes before he died and it had been really traumatic for her. She said it transported her right back to the minutes of watching her son die and she had been an absolute mess all day. I hugged her and told her that God was aware of her and that I was so sorry for her heartache. Walking back home I was overcome with the humbling feeling that He had used me to do His work. Which is to bring love and peace to His children. To ease suffering and bind up wounds. And he allowed me to be a little part of that.
In that conversation, she mentioned to me that he died on December 6 and his birthday is on December 27th. At this time, they had their house on the market to sell, so I was sure that they wouldn't live by us in the month of December, but I had the thought to write it on my calendar anyway. After four months they ended up taking their house off the market and as December rolled around, her sons important dates came to my mind. I wanted to do something for her as a gesture of love and support, but again not knowing her made this seem difficult. I wanted it to be better than something generic, I wanted her to feel known to the Lord. I was pondering this dilemma while donating plasma and got the idea to give her a puzzle. Which felt like a crazy idea. But knowing that I wouldn't think of something so random on my own, I went with it, I looked on Amazon and almost bought a few different options but none of them felt quite right. I had the idea to go to Deseret Book and look there. Once there I felt drawn to a particular puzzle of the Savior. I bought it, wrote a card telling her that the Savior has helped me piece my life back together when it felt broken, and had the kids deliver it. She sent a message back saying that there was no way for me to know this, but that she loves puzzles.
Heavenly Father knew. He knew something so simple about her. And He helped me know, so that she could feel His love and know how deeply He cares about the burdens she carries. It was so remarkable to me and such a tender reminder of how much He loves His children and how deeply He desires to bless us.
I wish that I could have those experiences every day. I wish that my feeling every day was one of being directly useful to the Lord. I hope to be someone He can count on to run his errands.
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