On September 20, 2023 our family knelt for prayer on our wood floors in our empty house in Monument, Colorado. Outside, our 21 suitcases were packed tightly into the Miles' trailer. Braden asked me to say the prayer. It feels impossible to describe myself in that moment, but I'll try. It had only been five days ago that we received the definitive 'yes' from the Air Force that we could go. We had spent the better part of the last year overcoming impossible odds to be able to go to Portugal. If you could somehow have an aerial view of the course of events that brought us to this moment, it would be nonstop hurdles, sharp curves, twists, drops, and wicked inclines, sprinkled with the tears of teenage girls. But I think what you'd also see, since we're talking aerial view, are angels helping us in miraculous ways through every one of those obstacles. It was so tight and stressful so many times, I can remember praying that one of our dads would help move a particular paper up the stack on someones desk. The pattern was perfectly reliable: problems and difficulties every step of the way, followed by a very last minute, unforeseen, "impossible" door opening allowing us to proceed to the next step. Participating with our family in this process was both completely exhausting and simultaneously faith building and exhilarating. In the temple I had gained a sure knowledge that our family was meant to go to Portugal. The federal government couldn't change that, although they gave it a good run. What I didn't know was why. What work did Heavenly father have for us to do in Portugal? Why did it matter so much that we leave everything in our lives and move across the world for this next season of our lives. Not surprisingly, I was given no indicators regarding this, I only deduced that there must be some work we were tasked with accomplishing. And so as I knelt, unslept, harried but humble, emotional but convicted, I was flooded with this one simple plea: help us accomplish the work we're going there to do, whatever that is.
I can remember thinking during one of our many fasts and times of intense asking for the miracles we needed to get us there, that if we could just get to Portugal my life would ease in stress and chaos. I'm not sure if I've ever been more wrong in all of my life. I can just picture Heavenly Father with a knowing smile saying, "bless her heart". Our stress and chaos had only just begun.
Instead of rhythm and stability, our lives felt like they were put into a blender. Braden told me at one point that he was the lowest he'd ever been. He was in a dark place. The darkness was so thick and so real it scared us both. Nearly every aspect of our lives felt hard, down to the simple tasks of feeding and clothing our kids in this new country under constantly shifting circumstances. We were moving airbnbs every few weeks, living out of suitcases, changing schools and bus stops constantly. The pressure was astronomical on Braden, the problems were magnificent and absolutely relentless, our money was drained, the kids were really struggling, and the very program he came to do was not going well. For quite a long time, we were just surviving, and we were barely managing that it seemed. The thought of coming here for some higher purpose felt so far off from what we were experiencing day to day.
Little by little, stability grew. Rhythm returned. We settled into our home at long last. All the problems did not go away. Some got better with time. Some got better as we softened and worked to change things within ourselves. A good deal of struggle remains. We are presently at work on many difficulties that are ours as a result of being here. When Anabelle came home for a few weeks before her mission, she sat one day at the kitchen counter and listened to Braden shoot some headlines at me about issues that had popped up that day. She said, "wow. All you guys do is field problems-yours and other peoples". It was a simple yet astute observation. I guess I hadn't summed up our lives that way but when she said it my whole body felt validated. It spoke to my weary soul and I realized that it was a pretty accurate description of how our time is spent lately.
At this point, most of the kids are happy in their school and have a high level of happiness in their lives. So many things have improved, but some deep struggles remain. We experience a lot of joy in our home, in our relationships with each other, and in living the gospel. We've been able to help quite a lot of people in our ward. Increasingly I've been able to see that we have been instrumental in many ways and for many people in our time here.
Last night, after more than two years here, our family was kneeling once again on a wood floor in an empty room in prayer. For the last several weeks we have taken in a woman named Antonia and her four month old baby, Yasmin. She came alone from Angola the day before giving birth, as a means of helping her immigration process here. She is hoping for a new start here, away from an abusive and controlling husband. Taking her in proved to be quite consuming of our time. She came at a time that overlapped the visit of our friends, the Davis's. In that time, we fell in love with her baby. She went from being alone with a single mom to having a line of people vying to hold her and love on her. She blossomed in our love. She loved participating in family prayer each night. She didn't like to go to bed until we'd had it and she made sure not to miss it.
When we found a place for her to go, it broke all of our hearts a bit. We moved her things into the 7th floor of a shared apartment. We were preparing to leave and Antonia asked if we could kneel to have family prayer before we left. She went to get Yasmim from the other room so she could be there for the prayer, which was so sweet. While she was gone I suggested to Braden that he dedicate her room for her. She came back and as we all knelt together on her floor, the image came to my mind of us kneeling in our own empty home, with me asking that He help us do His work and be His hands. The spirit reminded me that are doing it.
So tonight my prayer is just one of gratitude, for answering that simple yet sincere prayer, and for letting me feel the evidence of it.
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