Digging Deep

Today I worked on some finishing details of the reading nook I have been creating for the girls. Lila didn't nap today and consequently did her monster morph right on schedule at about 4. We had to go to Target where no one behaved and Lila screamed most of the time. Kristen invited us over but I had no desire to take the pack of baby beasts out in public, so we were on the phone working out some plans to see each other another time. I fed them and then put them in the bath. I walked in to discover that Anabelle had dumped the entirety of a brand new bottle of bath soap (I put some in 5 minutes before and it was the first time it had been used) into the bath. She did that same thing last week and got in trouble for it. Apparently not enough trouble. So I am annoyed (although I do have to admit that Maisey did in fact look funny covered in bubbles and they were having so much fun together in there which allowed me to get the dishwasher loaded...




However, I cannot buy a bottle of bath soap a day so....I was frustrated. I then went to the girls room (which I had spent forever that day cleaning) to put something away. And found that while I was on the phone with Kristen, this happened...



Now if this had occurred at 9 in the morning perhaps I would be better able to cope. But it seems like when I get to that point in the day when I am just so done- with the whining and the arguing, and even just the constant cleaning and taking care and meeting needs- my patience reservoir runs dry. It is something I am really struggling with because this seems to be the prime time for opportunity with the girls. It is when Anabelle wants to talk. It is when Lila gives her attention most readily to books. It is when Anabelle begs me every night to snuggle her because I used to do that and she's really missing it. I can see signs right and left of little girls who could use more love and attention but I feel like I'll scream or cry or both if I don't walk out of their room and leave Mommy land immediately.

It's the struggle of seeing clearly a need, and wanting so much for that need to be met, and knowing that it is up to me to fulfill it, but feeling completely unable in that moment to do so. In my mind, I call it digging deep. I am training myself to take a few deep breaths and close my eyes for a slight second and tell myself that I can do this. I can read 15 more verses of the Book of Mormon because Anabelle asked me to, explaining that it's comforting. I can read one more book to Lila because I can tell she's having a very hard time and this is something that brings her peace. I can snuggle them for a few minutes because it's time where I'm not asking them to do anything; I'm just giving love and attention, which they need in extra abundance. Even if I am mentally dying to get out of there before I lose it, I can hold it together for a few more minutes because I am a Mom. And being a Mom means you give more than you thought you could. More than you knew you had. Because precious little hearts and tender little souls count on you to do that. And you do it day after day and night after night. They are counting on me to dig deep and summon all the love and strength that I can.

I assumed that Lila had been the one to de-book the book shelf. When I asked her about it she said, "Anabelle did it on purpose". Anabelle confessed. She followed that with a sincere apology and many tears. I could tell that she really did feel sorry and told me so many times. I could also tell that she needs love and time from me, although her behavior during the day makes it a struggle for me to feel so inclined.

I will say that I believe the hardest part about parenting alone is not just the magnificent inconvenience and inefficiency of my life. It is going to bed at the end of every day feeling like my kids need more than I am giving them, yet not knowing how I can give any more. It's the disappointment I feel with myself for my shortness or lack of patience. It's the realization that I am not the fun Mom I once thought myself to be, at least not as frequently as I would like.

I've been reflecting today on what I can do to increase my ability to accomplish said goals. Last night as I began to watch a show online I felt that it wasn't the best thing I could do. But I watched it anyway. Then as I showered the thought came to me that the reason I can't afford to waste my time watching popular sitcoms is not because it will shake my perception of what is OK. Or change the way I view commandments or proper principles. It is simply because the spirit does not accompany those shows. It doesn't edify me in any way. It doesn't elevate my mind or lighten my heart. And at this point in my life I NEED so much the companionship of the spirit. I know how weak I am left to my own devices. I am counting on the direction of the spirit to help me know what my kids need, to help me know how to keep my marriage connected. I need extra help and I simply can't expect to receive it if my mind is being occupied in limiting and wasteful ways.

Some days I feel like I did okay, but they are far outweighed by a feeling of hoping that the next day goes better.

Here's to using my time in more meaningful ways in the name of digging deep.

A winner of a dinner

Dinner was funny last night.

Anabelle fed Lila via her straw.

Lila fed Anabelle with spoonfulls so giant they fell off the spoon before they reached her mouth.

Maisey loved watching it all while sucking down a spnach smoothie. Until it went over board and covered walls on the other side of the room.

I didn't say a word. I just sat and watched all their giddy interactons with one another, and snapped pictures here and there.

And then it took me forever to clean it all up.

And while I was doing that Maisey came in and went through the cabinets, trying on various bowls to match her already dazzling ensemble.

And then at bedtime they cried because they were hungry and thirsty. ""I'm so hungry I won't be able to fall asleep and then I wll be tired and then I will be grumpy. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE GRUMPY"!

It was a fun dinner anyway.

A message to the person we love most living 7764 miles away

I love my job.

I know that you make my job possible. So with all of my heart, THANK YOU.

I know that your job also makes America stronger and safer and protects the cause of freedom. And that is huge. But today, I'm just grateful for what it does for our family.

Wish you were here to love it with me. I figure the least I can do is provide you with some evidence of my job satisfaction.

18 months for Maisey

Maisey Virginia...I simply can't believe it's been a year and a half! But since it has, YEA for going to the nursery! She does great in there and surprisingly is not a bully. Her teacher loves to have her there. And one of the very best moments of my life is picking her up because she runs and squeals my name and goes absolutely CRAZY over me. It's an unmatchable feeling.

She is opinionated. And she shares that opinion freely and unsolicited. It's about the only thing she believes in sharing.

She is to the point now where she will repeat most things I say or ask her to say. If she feels like it. Other times she will stare at me blankly and refuse to perform. A few of her words off the top of my head...

Hello
goodbye
hot
hat
dog
STOOOOOOOOOOOOP! (only says this to Lila-mostly in the bath)Although now it has morphed into BOP!
sock
hand
it's stuck!
what's that?
moo
quack quack
uh-huh
Balloon
mama
dada
Lila
up
apple
rugg
bath
poop
yuck
trash

Favorite foods:
-clementines, she will eat one after another after another until I put the brakes on and she screams for more.
-yogurt
-PB or nutella sandwiches
-raisins
-anything sweet and delicious and completely void of nutrition

Favorite toys:
-we have a little wicker chair that is actually doll furniture that she carries around from room to room and has a seat periodically whenever she feels the need. Then she picks up her chair and wanders to the next room to check for exciting activities.
-Baby stroller. She can be found filling it with random items from each room and then dumping the contents sporadically throughout the house. Why can't she like throwing a ball?

Sometimes I hear her yelling and walk into the kitchen to see that she has climbed up in her highchair, buckled herself in, and is wanting me to hook her up wth some grub.

Has a newfound fascination with turning lights off and on. And off again. And on. And off. And on. And then I go crazy because I'm trying to cook dinner but she is just so excited standing in her chair saying, "I did it"!

The other day I was here using the computer and she brought me her cup. And then 30 seconds later she came in dragging a gallon of orange juice.

She has a very active pointer finger.

She has a weird thing with stuffing things in her orafaces. I put her in a pack n play in St George to take a nap (in the bathroom of our motel room). I went in an hour later to check on her only to find her standing and leaning on the side, cheek squished against her little hand which she was resting her head on, bored mouth hanging open, and tolet paper stuffed n her mouth and in her ers. Tiny tiny bts of shredded and wadded up toilet paper. Oh and the entire roll had also been shredded into teensy bits. It looked like it had snowed in her crib.

And last week I went to get her and noticed her ears were full of fluff. She has opened up the head of a stuffed animal and then proceeded to fill her bodily holes with the stuffing. And the other night when Braden was skyping with us he asked what was in her ears. Turns out it was full of peas. She has a problem.

She just learned how to kiss (with the sound and everything). Be still my little heart.

She is to the point now that when I am standing at her bed at night about to tuck her in she starts to sing to me instead of waiting to be sung to. I love when that starts to happen. The first song I heard her sing was Jingle Bells.

She goes nuts when she hears 'I Am A Child of God' or 'Scripture Power'.

She loves to get out of the bath and RUN and be chased and tickled by me.

Sometimes when she doesn't get what she wants and won't snap out of her grumpiness I put her in the bath and the water makes her happy. It is my go-to method for making her OK.

She loves to try on shoes, play in the dishwasher, and wreck the entire bathroom in 2 seconds flat.

She has a serious obsession with toothbrushes. Always has. As a baby I carried them around in my purse to keep her happy. The girls go through them like crazy because she gets them all out and carries them around. She Will usually bring me a toothbrush and toothpaste 3 or 4 times a day ( and does a good job actually brushing).

If she hears the sound of a call coming through on Skype, she drops everything and runs her pigeon-toed self to the computer in a flash yelling DADA all the way.


I really do feel like she is sort of my best friend right now. She is affectionate. She never argues with me. We spend all day (and some nights) together. Yep, we're besties. And I'm eating up every single moment of it. I can admit that I'm completely obsessed with her right now. She is my rock steady source of pure joy.