Another one

Journal entry from May 2013

Earlier this week I spoke on the phone with Mary, a good friend from college. We were discussing pregnancy as she is currently very ill with her third baby. She said that she is planning on having one more after this, and I was impressed by this, considering the state of misery she is currently experiencing, and one that I am familiar with. She said some things that were so insightful, I stopped washing the dishes, found a pen and paper, and wrote them down. She said she thinks often of the scripture from 1 Nephi that says, "wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, ". She, Like I,  has impressed upon her mind, the manner in which the Savior endured His suffering. We agreed that while it is so hard to feel like you are failing your family in so many ways, it seemed that this was the lesson we were to learn. She made the comment that perhaps the hardships of pregnancy and childbirth were as close to our own atonement as we could come. Just as we rely on the atonement to give us necessary things we cannot achieve on our own, we as mothers give that gift to other spirits who rely on us for physical bodies and an opportunity to progress through earth life. Although I was deeply moved by the conversation, I was trying to see it in terms of a past experience for me; something I have already completed and endured. Elise's pregnancy was the most trying for me. I told Braden I could not imagine doing it again and was trying to warn him that this would likely be our last baby. 

This morning we attended the blessing of Braden's cousin's baby. Before the meeting started I was in the mother's lounge nursing Elise. Although it was just a few hours ago, as hard as I try I can't remember anything specific about my time in there as far as recalling thought patterns or what led me to this end, I am only left with the impression that "there is another one." Still, I could not allow myself to give in to the finality and certainty of that situation. 

The moment Matt began to give the blessing, the spirit overwhelmed me and I was in tears. I do think that angels must be present whenever a priesthood circle is formed to bless a baby. It always reduces me tears, even if I don't know the baby or the family. But today was particularly touching. I was given to know during that blessing, the sacrament hymn, and the rest of the meeting that I am not done suffering. That seemed to be the message. There is another one who is meant to join our family, and if it means I spend another year suffering, to bring that about, that is my work. I prayed during the sacrament for a confirmation that this is indeed the message I was to receive. I had such a tender experience with the spirit today. 

I expected, and hoped, that once Elise was born I would feel done and excited never to have to do that again. However, almost immediately after she was born I had the feeling I've had after each of the others: anxious to have another. I found this surprising and attributed it to hormones. I reasoned that the sweetness and purity of her spirit was making me feel that way but expected that once I was sleeping through the night again and the hormones were out of my system I would think more clearly. 

I can see now that the feelings I have had all along since her birth, the conversation with Mary, and my sweet experience with the spirit today, are all building impressions that we should bring another baby to our family. I can't allow myself to think through all that that means for me right now. The one thing I know and trust more than anything, is that my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows my family and He watches over us and blesses us in tender, caring ways. I have felt that. I know that if he asks me to do something, by way of commandment in written scripture, from a prophet at a pulpit, or by quiet impressions from the Holy Ghost, He will give me power to accomplish it.