soccer season [fall 2013]

This was Anabelle's second year playing soccer. She is a really fast runner. She was still a bit timid and hesitant to get in there and actually get the ball. She still loves playing goal. 

It's almost more fun to watch Braden than to watch the kids. 

Lila & Maisey loved soccer practice. Braden was gone for 6 weeks and I had all four kids at the field alone, (during a time that Elise felt she should be asleep) . I think they preyed on the fact that I could only watch them so much. They always ended up in the splash pad. So I decided to stop telling them not to. That way, we could all be happy friends. Because that's what single parenting is all about- giving the kids exactly what they want so that your life gets easier for a minute. 

Besties!

 

Yes, she is holding hands with a little pal, they're laughing, they're having a good time. No idea what they're supposed to be doing. Note to Braden- this is why I buy her plastic cleats. Because she can dance and twirl and chat just as well in Payless cleats as she can in Nike's. 

How they walk together. Always hand holding. Always adorable. Never ever ever stop doing this. 

Fall leaves 2013

I don't think it matters how many kids I have and how many fall days I spend watching them play in leaves, I can't imagine not enjoying that experience completely. There's something about it- crisp cool air, watching their excitement over their leaf angels, beautiful bright colors, the fact that you're supposed to make a huge mess that doesn't need to be cleaned up. It's on my list of life's great gifts. 

It's my favorite picture of me.

Another one

Journal entry from May 2013

Earlier this week I spoke on the phone with Mary, a good friend from college. We were discussing pregnancy as she is currently very ill with her third baby. She said that she is planning on having one more after this, and I was impressed by this, considering the state of misery she is currently experiencing, and one that I am familiar with. She said some things that were so insightful, I stopped washing the dishes, found a pen and paper, and wrote them down. She said she thinks often of the scripture from 1 Nephi that says, "wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, ". She, Like I,  has impressed upon her mind, the manner in which the Savior endured His suffering. We agreed that while it is so hard to feel like you are failing your family in so many ways, it seemed that this was the lesson we were to learn. She made the comment that perhaps the hardships of pregnancy and childbirth were as close to our own atonement as we could come. Just as we rely on the atonement to give us necessary things we cannot achieve on our own, we as mothers give that gift to other spirits who rely on us for physical bodies and an opportunity to progress through earth life. Although I was deeply moved by the conversation, I was trying to see it in terms of a past experience for me; something I have already completed and endured. Elise's pregnancy was the most trying for me. I told Braden I could not imagine doing it again and was trying to warn him that this would likely be our last baby. 

This morning we attended the blessing of Braden's cousin's baby. Before the meeting started I was in the mother's lounge nursing Elise. Although it was just a few hours ago, as hard as I try I can't remember anything specific about my time in there as far as recalling thought patterns or what led me to this end, I am only left with the impression that "there is another one." Still, I could not allow myself to give in to the finality and certainty of that situation. 

The moment Matt began to give the blessing, the spirit overwhelmed me and I was in tears. I do think that angels must be present whenever a priesthood circle is formed to bless a baby. It always reduces me tears, even if I don't know the baby or the family. But today was particularly touching. I was given to know during that blessing, the sacrament hymn, and the rest of the meeting that I am not done suffering. That seemed to be the message. There is another one who is meant to join our family, and if it means I spend another year suffering, to bring that about, that is my work. I prayed during the sacrament for a confirmation that this is indeed the message I was to receive. I had such a tender experience with the spirit today. 

I expected, and hoped, that once Elise was born I would feel done and excited never to have to do that again. However, almost immediately after she was born I had the feeling I've had after each of the others: anxious to have another. I found this surprising and attributed it to hormones. I reasoned that the sweetness and purity of her spirit was making me feel that way but expected that once I was sleeping through the night again and the hormones were out of my system I would think more clearly. 

I can see now that the feelings I have had all along since her birth, the conversation with Mary, and my sweet experience with the spirit today, are all building impressions that we should bring another baby to our family. I can't allow myself to think through all that that means for me right now. The one thing I know and trust more than anything, is that my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows my family and He watches over us and blesses us in tender, caring ways. I have felt that. I know that if he asks me to do something, by way of commandment in written scripture, from a prophet at a pulpit, or by quiet impressions from the Holy Ghost, He will give me power to accomplish it.   

Holy chickens, could I be any more behind on this bloggity blog?

I suppose I could. I suppose the way to get farther and farther behind is not to try to catch up at all and to give up on this ever present threat to my sanity. But I'm pretty sure it's important. The bad thing is, it's only been six months since this particular trip to St George, and looking at these pictures makes me realize how hard it is to remember. So if I don't remember six months ago I give myself zero hope for remembering much of anything in the future. My brain has turned to a pot of goopy mush. I blame the children, as I (rightfully) do for all bodily breakdowns, for surely they are responsible.

I do remember that Steve brought his family for the weekend, and that Phil was also there from Korea, so we decided to hop down there and jump on the chance to rendezvous with those cats.

I do remember it was an unusually fun trip, complete with a late late late game night. Can't remember the game, can remember laughing so hard I couldn't talk. Literally, it was my turn to talk and I just simply couldn't say anything because I was laughing so hard. I think it was at Tim's expense.  

a lazy Sunday

I took these pictures last week when I stayed home from church with a throwing up Maisey. She slept the whole day, giving me a chance to just play with Elise. 

Zumba! 

This is the last thing you see right before you have sizeable chunks of flesh ripped from your face. 

She likes furry and fuzzy.

I flat ironed Lila's hair for church and wanted to take seize the opportunity to photograph it in it's nutella-free state. I also taught Anabelle what  photo bomb was this week. She thought she would try her hand (or face) at it. When Lila and I came inside she proudly exclaimed, "I picture bombed you!". 

Officially...

We have been trying to get to the temple lately and it seemed that our plans kept falling through. Last Thursday morning I had the impression that we needed to get there that day. Jen agreed to watch the kids for us and we had very tight plans to try to make it to the session right after Braden got off work. As he was leaving work he got official notice that his medical waiver had come through, and that he will be deploying here shortly. 

We both were mentally aware that there was a very real possibility that this would happen. But I think we both had so much hope that it wouldn't, that we were pretty deflated and disheartened to hear the news. And the Lord, in His wisdom, knew we weren't getting the answer we wanted so he sent us to the temple so we could more easily digest it. I really appreciate that. Eternal perspective goes a long way in these sorts of situations.

The other tender mercy is that we were able to attend the deployers retreat the very next day. We had a fantastic weekend at Wolf Creek Resort, made possible by the generosity of others. We went  to several relationship seminars on marriage care that were really helpful. I sat in one meeting with just military spouses where we discussed all the blunt, ugly truths about the lives we live (and the perks, too). It was helpful to sit in a room with people who get it, every aspect of it. As much as our families love us and support us, there is something about the bond between military families who can understand your life completely. 

One of the speakers made the point that there is value in deciding what spin you put on something. We can say that deployment is inconvenient, that it is sad, that it is hard, that it is a struggle. But just don't decide that it's bad. He related it to a friend who was dying of cancer and had fought it for seven years. His friend said, "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I would trade it for the world". 

We have a fight ahead of us, no doubt. A fight that most people don't have to deal with. But because of that, we also have opportunities that most people don't get. We get to feel lucky to sit together and do ordinary things. We appreciate the power of words, because it's all we'll have, and a lot of good can come of that. We value time together like I never could have imagined. I consider the price of freedom everyday, the small sacrifice we make, and the unfathomable sacrifices by countless others in times past. And those are dear blessings. And they matter. 

The weekend helped pump me up for this. I drank the Kool-Aid that reminded me that I am a proud Air Force wife. I'm proud that Braden serves our country. I sat next to one woman who has been through 7 deployments in 11 years. Another had just been separated for 18 months, and another for 2 years. I felt proud to sit next to them and be engaged in an important life choice. 

We are so appreciative of all the volunteers who made that weekend a possibility for us. It certainly blessed our family.

The house we stayed at had a "hot bath" as the girls called it. That is where they spent the entirety of their free time.  

...while Elise played with their dirty socks...

Anabelle won the spirit award. Again. They said she was including younger kids in games, which is why she got it last time too, I believe. She didn't even know what they were talking about. When they announced her name she said, "Again?!" She is a naturally gifted friend. She is kind to everyone and makes people feel good about themselves.  

Braden and Lila jigging

Anabelle dancing to "Let it Go".

Braden really enjoying pelting kids during dodge ball.

After the retreat was over we decided to pull over and do some hiking on the way home.