flowers or weeds

Homeschool has been mostly rough in the last few weeks. The combination of surgery, infection, stomach virus, a naughty hudini dog, and Braden's absence are all contributing factors. But mostly it's the whining. It's the arguing and back talk. It's crying when something is hard and giving up the moment there's a challenge. Nothing drains me like the long days of negativity.

-During scriptures and prayers Anabelle was sullen. When tucking her in I asked her several times what was wrong. She finally told me that she feels like she doesn't do anything right. Like she can never be good enough. And that we would be better off without her in the way. It gave me the chance to talk to her about the source of those feelings. And to express my love for her and all the reasons why I am so grateful for her. It was overdue. I could tell she needed to hear it. I got to hug her tight and kiss her repeatedly and play with her hair. I wanted somehow to take all the love I have in my heart for her and use it to build a bubble around her so that she never feels that way again. I looked at this girl in the mostly darkened room-tangled up in the last bit of childhood. Not quite done with it, but past it in so many ways. All I could see was my Anabelle- my capable, full of life, quick, smart, spiritual, loving, perceptive, sensitive, caring and absolutely wonderful little girl. Laying there feeling hopeless and inadequate. It broke my heart. Some of it was pre-teen hyped up drama. But some of it was real. Some of it falls squarely on my shoulders and I have to own whats mine in this. I don't
praise her enough. I'm hard on her. My expectations are too high.

I sit here wondering how she can possibly feel like she doesn't measure up. I think of all the good she does, how helpful she is. And my mind goes back to the conversation I had with Braden last night. He told me that I seem miserable. He asked if we should send the kids back to school. I was flooded with feelings of inadequacy. I might have drown myself in the sea of 'I will never be able to manage this well'. I think of sad Anabelle laying there, defeated, and I see me. I see me as a ten year old and I see me last night. Part of me thinks I'm the best person to give her the talk about listening to Satan's lies because I know them so well. And another part of me fears I'm not qualified because I'm still grappling with them myself.

I know it's the right thing to have the kids home right now. I know things haven't been easy. Homeschooling is hard. Homeschooling with toddlers under your feet makes it harder. Add in a special needs child who doesn't like to be home schooled and it's a recipe for daily frustration. But it's also an opportunity for growth. For all of us. And there are happy moments too. Always. And I haven't been good at reflecting on those and recounting them. In my frustration and exhaustion I wasn't fighting hard enough to appreciate the good. I've allowed myself to become bogged down in the heaviness of it all.

So now I want to think about all the bests of today:
-Lila didn't tantrum at all and her medication seems to be having a positive effect.
-While cooking dinner, Elise was watching me at the counter when she initiated the following conversation: "Mom, guess what? I love you with my whole heart, forever". And we just stood and smiled at each other for a moment until she giggled.
-After Emmett's nap I got him up and closed his door and read to him. I watched him play cars, he gave them hats by stacking them on top of each other. I thought my heart might burst open with gratitude for the love this little guy brings to our home.

Started the day with a workout and then I noticed an amazing sunrise out the window. I grabbed Maisey and we snuck away for a few minutes together to literally stand in awe of a new day. It's not that there is a shortage of AWEsome things in my life. It's just that I'm overlooking them.

-Tonight as I was tucking Maisey in she asked me to snuggle her, as always. I climbed in to start rubbing her back and before I could even settle in she made sure I was covered in her blanket. She so often makes these small and thoughtful gestures that mean the world to me.
-Seeing Lila laugh and be happy at her horse class.
-Seeing the kids play well together for several hours outside.
-Seeing Emmett share so easily when asked to do so.
- Anabelle dancing with Emmett and making him crack up with delight.
-Watching the show that Anabelle choreographed for Elise and Maisey to perform. It was legitimately adorable.
-Reading a well timed quote from President Eyering and knowing that it is exactly what I need in my life right now.
-Finding 20 minutes in the crazy of the day to get a small workout in, inconvenient as it was.
-Starting the day with a prayer, hiding behind an already made bed, while listening to girls play sweetly with each other in the play room.
-Learning that moonbows are a thing.

I'm excited for all the good that I'll find in tomorrow.

Anabelle came in and took this picture while I was playing with Emmett. I'm glad she did.