1) 5am- wake up. I have four more kids coming over at 7 to be babysat for the day, so I know I need to hurry if I want to work out, shower, and read scriptures before they get here.
2) Go pee. Reach for the toilet paper and find a frog sitting on it. Leap up and across the bathroom in a single movement. Say out loud, "OH MY GOSH! WHAT IN THE WORLD! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!'. It's a good thing I was already sitting on the toilet for a scare of that magnitude.
3) Run to the kitchen to get a mason jar and my scorpion catcher (a love note that Maisey wrote on a piece of thick cardboard).
4) Stare at this frog, take a picture of it, mentally go through the process of catching it in the jar. How jumpy is it? How fast is it? I need to get this guy on the first try. If he jumps away and I have to chase him around my house I'm going to start my day unnerved.
5) I am already unnerved. I went to wipe and there was a frog on the toilet paper, remember.
6) Scoop up the frog successfully. Run it to the kitchen to find a proper lid. I decide, hey, as long as we have him, let's study him. I considered letting him go outside but I wanted to show the kids more than I valued his liberty. I don't want to kill him, but I really do not want him to get out. So I'm trying out different options. The card stock over the jar with some holes poked in it...with a glass bowl on top. No, an avocado on top. No a glass cup on top. No saran wrap. Ohhh even better- a sandwhich bag so I don't run the risk of him escaping while trying to get that impossible stuff to stop sticking in all the wrong places.
7) I grab a sandwich bag and start for the girls bathroom to grab a hair tie to secure it.
8) Pass a scorpion on the way.
9) Curse Oklahoma.
10) Feeling torn by my discovery. Quick decision about which creature I despise in my home more.
11) Scorpion takes priority. I go to grab my scorpion catcher and remember that it's currently in use for the temporary frog lid.
12) I go to smashing tactics. Frantically look around for a shoe. For the first time in Emmett's mobile life he has gone to bed without leaving a trail of shoes that he's picked out from everyone's closet. First time.
13) I RUN to my closet, grab a shoe, all the while hoping the frog has not pushed the cardboard off the jar. Come back to where I was.
14) Scorpion is gone.
15) Curse Oklahoma again.
16) Walk the hall carefully to find that he had made it to the other end.
17) Smash him in one furious thwack.
18) Run back to the kitchen to find the frog still in the jar.
19) Make a quick switch of covers, securing the sandwich bag in place.
20) Add a few holes so he'll make it through the school day. And because he's a living creature and he doesn't deserve to die just because he's a frog. But he's not just a frog anymore. He's the frog who hopped into my house and onto my toilet paper with the almost certain intent of terrifying me. I don't make the holes too big.
21) With the frog secured I walked straight to the computer and bought a Groupon for pest control.
22) I walk down the hall, cautiously, because who knows what could be right under your feet at any given time in this house.
23) Exhale a sigh of relief that I have restored peace, if only temporarily to the house.
24) Notice a weird noise. Is it an alarm on one of the girls noise makers? Go stand outside each of the kids rooms. Follow the noise down the hall to my room. Recognize the distinct beeps of the smoke alarm, only now instead of one beep, it's doing four in rapid succession.
25) Wonder why so many beeps. Is it also a frog detector and I missed my warning? I briefly considered crushing it with a hammer, just to release some tension. And because it didn't warn me in time. Recognize that I would probably have to re-purchase it and the economical side of me wins out.
26) Stuff it down the middle of a rolled up area rug in the garage to muffle the noise.
27) Walk back inside.
28) Wipe.
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