I graduated! Can I eat a cookie with wheat now?

Lila Lou graduated from Kindergarten today. I was so looking forward to seeing her sing all those songs she sings at the dinner table. But she was in the back row nestled behind some third grader posing as a kindergartner. So the only time I saw her was when all the other kids sat down and she was just standing up looking around, in true Lila fashion. At the end they did put her on a chair for the last song or two. She has been on a strict no wheat diet for almost a month now and I told her yesterday that she could have a cookie after her graduation. I'm pretty sure that's what this whole day was about for her. I really am proud of Lila. She has come really far over the past year, and I am ecstatic over her progress. She is so jazzed to be a first grader. Although it was quite a let down for her to realize that Anabelle would not be a first grader with her. Her teacher and all the aides told me that she is such a fun and delightful girl and that they just love to have her around. They all said she just makes them smile when she walks in the room.  

Lots of kids had flowers, balloons, and lays as gifts from their parents. Since I didn't get her anything, I decided I would let her pick up Elise. Even though we all knew she would react this way. It made Lila soooooo happy, I thought Elise could take one for the team on this special occasion. Thanks, Elise! You made her day!

Cody and Jess came all the way up to hear a bunch of five year olds picking their noses and watching the ceiling fans go around and around. I guess that's not why they came up, but that's what they got, so I really appreciate them coming to support Lila in her time of distress. 

We sure appreciate Mrs. Moore and count her as a blessing in our lives. This was her last day of teaching, she retired today after 30 years of Kindergarten. 

I just cried a little bit

As previously mentioned, Lila has had a rough few weeks. 

Today I got an email from her teacher saying that she has also noticed a marked difference. She said Lila has been sad and stubborn and not wanting to do things. 

Tonight she made Elise fall and come very close to smashing her head on the concrete. I am having really frustrating days with her, not just because of her oppositional attitude, but because she constantly harasses Elise. She literally follows her around and pulls on her and tries to pick her up. I ask her all day to stop. I discipline her. I have elaborate talks with her. I suggest new ways to touch her, I explain how it makes Elise feel. She always says she's going to stop. And then she turns right around, in a matter of seconds, and does it again. Elise cries when she sees Lila. It's really sad. And stressful. And frustrating. I am out of ideas. 

So after addressing this issue for the tenth time today, I sent Lila to her room. She shut the door and screamed for a while. I went in later to chat with her. We sat and had a nice clear conversation about how to touch Elise, how Elise wants to walk herself and doesn't want to be pulled or picked up. I made her laugh a few times and then all of a sudden her countenance changed. Her voice became heavy and full of emotion. She looked at me and said, "Your husband is gone. And he's never coming back".  And then she broke down. She hugged me and started crying and said, "I miss Dad". 

It was one of the saddest moments of parenting for me. The look on her face and the sound of her voice pretty much broke my heart wide open. We talked about it for a few minutes and I told her that if she was ever feeling sad, or confused or upset or that she was missing her Dad she could talk to me about it. She stopped me and said, "I AM missing my Dad". 

I cried for the first time since we dropped him off.

The 90 year old lady at the retreat said it best: "Deployment sucks". It is not the worst thing to pass through, by any means. But yes, it sucks.

Sweet Lila. I just want her to feel peace.

Anabelle's seven year old pictures

 I told her I wanted to take a few minutes and snap some pictures of her in all her new seven year old glory. She huffed. Then I told her I wanted to curl her hair. Complaints. Then I had the audacity to tell her I wanted her to wear this beautiful new skirt I bought her. That really put our friendship on the line. See, I guess what happened was, black turned into an ugly color, and I didn't even know it. But she does. In fact there is little she doesn't know these days. So I had to work extra hard to get her to smile. I used all my best voices and silliest jokes. I won her over eventually. Maybe she thought I wanted to take her seventeen year old pictures?  Maybe it was my fault for not enunciating.

The thing about Anabelle is this: she is our first child. She is smart, and so very capable of anything and everything. We, as her parents know that for a fact. And we tend to have these giant enormous mountainous expectations of her because of those two facts. And because of this, we sometimes forget what an absolutely incredible little person she is.

The other day I was doing the dishes and she came in the kitchen and said, "Mom? Is it okay if I go to Kierra's house and tell her about the Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, and The Friend?" I thought that was reasonable. A minute later she came back with her friend and the two of them went back to her room. I went down the hall to eavesdrop  do laundry, and was so touched by what I found there. She was reading scriptures to her uninterested friend and explained several gospel principles to her including what it would mean for her to be baptized. Just yesterday she was saying goodbye to this friend and her last words to her were, "Don't forget to ask your Mom!". I asked Anabelle later what she was referring to and she told me that she really really wanted Kiera's Mom to come to church with us also, because Kiera has been a few times.

Last night we watched Ephraim's Rescue for FHE and she was sobbing over all that the pioneers endured. She told me later she just can't imagine all that they went through.

After the movie Lila was throwing a tantrum and melting down right at bedtime. I had to go do something in that moment, and when I came back expecting to deal with it I found that Anabelle had taken Lila to their room and was reading her a book they think is so funny. It completely cheered Lila up and she forgot she was upset. It was so thoughtful of Anabelle and such a relief to me. Then when I was nursing Elise I came out to find that Maisey had smashed her finger and Anabelle, knowing I was busy, took her to the kitchen and was icing it and comforting her. And then there was a lovenote on my bed telling me how awesome and loving I am. Part of the stress of deployment is that I am the only one on duty. I have to put out all the fires, and still find energy to be fun with them as well. She is obviously trying to help out in that arena.

I have a few friends with children her age who are autistic. Their moms will send me messages occasionally saying that their kids are being picked on bullied and feeling lonely and they wonder if Anabelle will come play with their kids because she always makes them feel good. One of those frinds dropped by a few days ago, with her daughter who was hoping to play. Anabelle had just gone next door to play with a group of neighborhood girls. When she came home later I told her that Elizabeth had come by to drop off cupcakes and as hoping to play. Anabelle said, "Mom, why didn't you come get me? You know Sarah and Lizzy have lots of friends but Elizabeth and doesn't. It's more important for her to play with me".

I am ever so grateful not only that she is mine, but that she is our first. She sets a good example for the other girls to follow. She is kind and thoughtful and wants to be good and do good. She is perceptive and clever and creative. She is inclusive and fun. Little kids love her as well as older kids. She has a strong hold on the gospel and wants everyone to know about it. I sure love this little sweetheart.

Antelope Island

One Saturday in April we decided to cross Antelope Island off our "before we leave Utah list". It was a good choice. The girls were not as tough as we would have liked to tell our friends. I told Braden we either need to hike way more frequently, or never again. Hopefully the former. A good day nonetheless. 

I love that they love to hold hands

One can only imagine what was happening here. Or not happening here. For Maisey. To get her way. All of the time. Lila seems remarkably at peace with Maisey's loss, whatever it may have been. 

Anabelle brought this rock home and it is now planted in our front garden bed where it is looking adorable. 

True to form, Elise fell asleep literally the last 90 seconds of the hike. And that was apparently all the nap she needed. Because she is just that cool of a baby. 

working in an old blacksmith shop

A week and some change

We are about 10 days into this deployment. There have been some sad moments.

Like the morning after Braden left Maisey was looking out the window in the front room. She began yelling excitedly, " Mom! Mom! Dad's not gone! His car is outside in the driveway!"

The other day we were driving and Lila noticed a plane in the sky. "Is my Dad in that plane?" I said that he wasn't. She said "Why, because it's not an AWACS?" Well mostly because that plane is in America and your Dad isn't. But way to know his aircraft sister. 

Lila: Will Dad be home for my birthday?

Me: No

Lila:Will he be home for Maisey's birthday?

Me: No

Lila: Will he be home for Anabelle's birthday?

Me: No

Lila: Will he be home for your birthday?

Me: No

Lila: DANG IT!!

Maisey and Lila have both asked me repeatedly if he'll be home tomorrow. Finally I said, "Girls, Right now it is spring. Then it's going to turn into summer. Then after summer it's going to turn into fall. At the end of fall right before the winter, Dad will come home." A few hours later Maisey comes running in the house out of breath but grasping for some so she could tell me something that was clearly news breaking. "Mom! I was out on the trampoline and I found these two little leaves that just fell off the trees! So that means Dad's coming home."  She was holding up her little leaves to show me and she was just so elated. 

And just about every night before I leave the room and turn her lights out Anabelle asks me why he can't get a different job. I guess she hasn't liked any of my answers so far because she just keeps asking. 

Church today went great! Except for that one time when Elise won't sit still ever and screams if you don't turn her loose to climb on the stage. And then that other time when I was trying to take Lila to the bathroom and she waited until we were standing up and in the aisle to scream at me that she wanted to go alone. And then she kept screaming as I dragged her all the way out. No biggie though, because we were only in the third row so only 89% of the congregation actually witnessed it, although everybody heard it. 

Lila is really having a hard time. She is back to the constant tantrums and screaming. She is oppositional and defiant at every possible opportunity. 

On the whole we really are okay. I know we'll be fine. Unfortunately I know this drill really well and it has a familiar feel. Not that I like it, but I'm used to it. And I know we'll be alright. And we'll still have really fun times and we'll definitely make the best of it. But the funny things that happen are always shaded by the fact that Braden missed it and it pains me so much not to share in those things with him. 

To quote the great Pooh Bear : "“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

Mothered Day

Braden deployed three days ago. Today is Mother's day. He hasn't been home for Mother's Day since he joined the Air Force, four years ago. So Mother's Day for me is usually all about, well, mothering. 

This morning Anabelle knew on her own that it was Mother's Day. She heard radio commercials yesterday and was paying attention to when it was. She hushed Lila past my room where they colored little pictures for me and Anabelle got out some stationary she had made me at school. Then she got out her Halloween candy and let Lila pick out a piece to give to me. When Maisey and Lila started to argue I heard her tell them not to because it was Mother's day. I could tell that she was trying to comply with my request to be a peace maker during sacrament. I asked if she would let me take a picture of her and she didn't even roll her eyes or do weird bug face. After church she rubbed lotion on my feet and back and gave me a foot massage by rubbing different toys on my feet. She even asked if there was anything she could help me with, and volunteered to do some cleaning. I tucked Maisey in first tonight, and since Lila and Elise were miraculously having a fun gigglish time together, I let them play in the living room for about twenty minutes together. Mean while I recognized this opportunity to have just my Anabelle for a few minutes. We read the scriptures together while I rubbed her back. We were able to talk about what some of the words meant and also the meaning of the scripture. It was the one in 1 Nephi about how Christ suffered all those things because of His loving kindness. It was beautiful to chat with her about that. Then she asked me to read to her, and although it was late, I just couldn't pass up this chance to be just with her. She asked me to read "My Mommy and I", a book I read to her daily for the first few years of her life. Next I read "Where the Wild Things Are" because that was another in that category. It was really sort of unbelievable to me to sit there with my little Anabelle in this way. It seems like just yesterday that it was just she and I and we spent the days reading and playing together. I held her on my lap, and through choked emotions told her how much I appreciated her making an effort to try to make my day special. She said."I tried to. I know Daddy's gone so I tried to make it special". I am so impressed that as a seven year old she stepped up in the way she did, without anybody asking her to or talking to her about it. As she climbed in bed she said, "I can't wait to be a Mom". And I assured her that she will be a fantastic Mom. She is already so fabulous with kids. Elise adores her and beams when she sees Anabelle come in the room. I count on Anabelle a lot to help out with Elise and she really comes through. 

On this Mother's Day I am grateful to have been mothered by my daughter, who was thoughtful and giving in every way she could think of.

She begged and begged to sleep in my bed, and although I usually draw a hard line on that one, tonight I couldn't resist. I'm going to go snuggle the little baby who first made me a Mommy, who taught me how to love more fiercely than I had ever imagined.  

last night in the bath

before church today

A family first

In February we finished reading the Book of Mormon together as a family. It took almost four years. A few paragraphs or verses a night with a room full of tiny children. Most nights, it seems that no on is listening. Sometimes the words and concepts seem way out of their reach. But we do it anyway, hoping that somehow this simple habit will build great faith. We do it trusting a promise from the prophets that our home will have greater peace and love. We do it hoping that He will magnify our small efforts, and the effects will be a handful of women who love the Lord, and serve him. 

I have had a few gospel discussions with the girls stemming from our nightly scripture study. These discussions would not have come in any other way. They were beautiful opportunities I had to bear my testimony to my girls, to teach them true principles, to share my experiences, and to encourage them in my hope that they live the gospel. Those quiet, tearful, reverent moments are sacred to me. They are treasured memories I have of the Holy Ghost prompting me to say certain things. They were answered prayers to a daily petition I have to the Lord that he will help me guide these girls to a solid gospel foundation. 

We had a party to celebrate.  I had cards with heroes from the Book of Mormon all around the house. The girls went on a hero hunt and when they found one we sat down and talked about that person. We gave them CTR earrings. I made temple shaped brownies. Overall, it was a lot like each night of scripture reading- lots of reminders to listen, to put down a toy. It was loud and chaotic and had the feeling of  "how can this possibly be doing any good?". 

The girls probably won't remember that party. They probably won't remember any of our discussions. But I hope that over the years they learn to love and trust the Savior through the scriptures.

Braden's cumpleanos {for the thirty third time}

Last week was Braden's birthday. I wanted to make it great for him because he has been so stressed out over this whole SD upgrade for deployment thing. It's been hard for me to watch because Braden is a champ at handling stress. He's the kind of guy that takes everything in stride and doesn't get too worked up over anything. Besides soccer...yikes. If you see him wind up for a clap, try to get as much space between your ears and his hands. But I digress.....That's how I know he is under some serious pressure. And I hate to see him like this. 

goodness gracious (33 cake) balls of fire!

I can see this being my contribution to Hank's wedding video

 Cody and MaShay came up for a surprise dinner on Sunday with their families. Cody's family stayed the night. That day was fun and I think he loved having his family around. The next day Jess offered to stay with the kids so that he and I could go to lunch. I had previously asked his boss if he could have the rest of the day off and she said yes. But Braden said no. After lunch and a movie he went back to work.

This is the game the girls like to "play" with Elise: they fill up her shirt with bunches of crap and then crack up as she tries to crawl around with it. Here she has been stuffed with the entire bucket of wooden blocks. 

We went to Boondocks that night with our kids. The girls thought that was just about the best thing in the world. 

I hope we never forget Lila's signature move demonstrated above. It's her signal for "one" or "tiny". This is her saying that they were number one on the race cars.

Not to show off, but Braden was number one again. 

Happy birthday to a fun Dad and a sweet husband. I really appreciate how hard he works for our family, both at work and at home.