#14

We've been in Utah for almost a month now. I feel like life just sucked that month away from me and I can never get it back. Not that I'd want to- moving is kind of awful. This was our 14th move, which basically makes us patriotic gypsies. So although we're "used to it", this one may have taken the cake for the move that most made me want to eat all the chocolate and cry all the tears. But I didn't do either of those-I didn't have time. I did buy a couple of cases of Coke to see me through. I know, I'm very edgy (or desperate to get through the day). We had our Reynolds reunion two days after we got here and then Braden had to go back to Oklahoma to Air Force for the last week and a half. Now he's back and we're trying to set up shop, which in our book means building and painting in addition to unpacking and organizing. I think I'm somewhat of a taskmaster when it comes to moving because we don't have the luxury of doing it at a normal pace. Also, I do this thing where I can't relax until my house is not only functional, but cute as well. It's exhausting and annoying. I am completely annoyed with myself.
      Another reason we've been consumed with the move-in process is because Utah is full of wonderful people- people we used to know and want to see again, people we don't know yet and want to get to know, people we know and want to see more of, people who are passing through and want to have lunch. It's a really nice problem to have. It's felt a bit chaotic at times but I've been overwhelmed with the volume of truly amazing friends and family we have.
      Thus far the kids have really missed Oklahoma so much and haven't really made any friends that dull that pain. I'm sure that will change but right now their hearts are in transition. The ward has been super friendly and I am loving being so close to so many ways to spend all our money so many stores (Hello again, Costco!).
     Elise attended a kindergarten preview for a few weeks and that really helped her feel ready school. The other kids got to go and check out the school and I could tell it helped them feel excited. The thought of sending them back is a mixed bag for me. I feel so happy for them to have experiences that I could not give them. And I feel anxious for them to have experiences that I would not give them. I feel like they will learn more, and learn it better. I feel like I will have less stress and therefore be a better mom (hopefully). I am excited to have some alone time with the younger half and I welcome a more reasonable pace of life that includes working out at the rec center. But I will really miss being a part of all of their everythings. I'm happy for all that they will learn and do, my heart just aches to be a part of it.
   On the whole, we are so thrilled to be here and I recognize daily what a blessing it is. I have this surreal feeling often where I just look around and marvel that we're not just here on vacation, that we really live here for a bit, and that reminds me of all the prayers that were answered to make it so. Our being here right now for this little season is a miracle. You'll never convince me otherwise. I hope the wonder of that doesn't diminish as time goes by.
   Here's to (yet another) new beginning. I hope in two years that we have spent countless hours in the temple, that we have laughed through dozens of cousins nights, that our relationships with family are deep and dear, that our kids will mourn another group of wonderful friends, and that we will have loved and served with no regrets. I hope Braden finds joy and passion in his work, I hope I will have established myself as a doula, and if we're being honest here, I hope some muscles return to my body.

We're picky people

You know what they say- you can't pick your family, but you can pick raspberries with your family. 

We really like to forage together. We've done this several times over the years and it's always a winning experience. It's just the right amount of togetherness and also space; team work yet competition. Plus anytime you can eat from the earth I think you should. 

Do you know what's missing from these pictures that is in all our picking pictures from Alabama? Adorable ringlets and sweaty noses born of humidity levels only the devil himself could have inspired. In place of these things, you'll notice Braden looking calm and even carrying a baby. He likes it here. We all do. Although the kids can't allow themselves to admit it because they think somehow that means they don't love and miss Oklahoma with all their hearts. 

I want to have a picture at the end of this sequence with stupid amounts of raspberry jam in it. But I don't think we made it home with that many. However, we did make it home with all our kids and that's always a relief. 

Here's to a lifetime of berry picking with the people I would have picked if family picking was a thing. 

gratitude for today

Braden took the girls to Reese's for the twins baptism. I am home with the boys. Levi is sick and is not sleeping well, but nursing frequently. I have to start school again on Tuesday and I don't feel like I've had Christmas break yet. In fact, I don't feel like I had a maternity leave or second to catch my breath. There was so much I planned to accomplish during our two weeks off from school, and so far none of it has happened. I stayed because I think Levi will recover more quickly at home, and I also had great hopes of productivity that's not possible with a full house of kids.

I awoke this morning (after nursing every 2-3 hours in the night), with the plan to get Christmas all put away and the house redecorated and cleaned. Having that done would then allow me the mental clarity to start chalking things off my long list. But the thought made me sad. I realized I'm not done with Christmas. So I asked Emmett to take all the ornaments off the tree because it would be less painful if I didn't actually start myself. The look on his face when I gave him the green light on the very activity I've been busting him all month for-fantastic. I sat and nursed while I watched him do this and it just didn't feel right. I decided we weren't going to take down Christmas. In fact, we were going to stretch it out as long as possible. I put on my favorite Christmas songs and told Emmett to put the ornaments back while I made salt dough for some home made ornaments. I got some Christmas potpourri simmering on the stove and I felt so much better.

The day is almost over now. I didn't take or make any calls or texts. I didn't check emails or Facebook or deal websites. Emmett didn't watch movies or play with toys. We were just together. We read, we did puzzles, we cleaned and cooked. We smiled at Levi and made him laugh and Emmett asked to hold him about 30 times- for three seconds each. He does what he calls "cheeking Levi" which involves Emmett poking Levi's cheeks and Levi smiling every time. I simply loved my boys. I basked in every minute of our togetherness. Levi looked into my eyes and burst into a smile- the kind that starts with his forehead getting big and then it turns into a full body wiggle. I broke into tears out of pure love and the deepest joy and gratitude. My heart feels like its spreading into other parts of my body because it just can't hold all that love in my chest. Having Emmett by my side all day, chatting, laughing, singing, and playing is medicinal. I wish somehow motherhood could always feel like this.

I also have time weird tingling almost nervous sensation in the pit of my stomach. I think it's because I recognize the gift that today is. I know I won't always have soft squishy baby cheeks to nuzzle and naked tummies to kiss. I won't always have toddlers singing "Glooooooria.....inexcelsisdeeeeeeeeooooo" while they quietly play or use the bathroom. In the recesses of my heart I can't see being happy without these things. Now that I know the profound love of children I can't imagine life without every one of them. And it's going by so fast.

Today was absolutely amazing, and I never got out of my jammies or left the house.The thought came to me from the topical guide on temples, stating that only the home can compare to temples in sacredness. That is exactly how today felt- sacred. My home was filled with a love so pure and joyful I was on the brink of tears all day.

My thought as I approach this new year is that I want to be fully present in all I do- particularly as a wife and mother. I want to give my family my best self. I want to build castles and confidence, share play-doh and simple testimonies. I intend to be conscientious about things that distract me and habits that don't serve me well.

My life is so busy. The pressures on my shoulders are heavy. My responsibilities and demands on my time are consuming. I know that it's not possible for me to accomplish well all that I would like to. The only way I know to handle this is to start each day with a prayer and ask Heavenly Father to show me what is needful- just for today. Because while I'd like to spend all my days like today- absorbing each child and doing nothing but loving them- dishes and dinner and laundry are real. So are callings and yard work and grocery shopping and visiting teaching and scripture study and working out and journaling, and a hundred other worthy endeavors. I have a constant stress-like a cloud hanging over me, that I'm always neglecting at least a handful of very important things. I trust that if I ask Him what He wants me to do with my day, and then listen for that direction, that cloud will disperse. I'm committing to be better at this.

I hope with all my heart I have an untold amount of days like today in my future. I hope I recognize them and take them. I'm sure people all over the world saw amazing things today and had exciting adventures. I wouldn't trade any one of them for the pure and beautiful love I experienced in my home today. 

Last December 12th....

On this day last year I had just found out that my tubes were completely blocked. I felt sad. Deeply sad. I knew it didn't mean that we weren't going to raise another baby, because I felt strongly that we were. But it forced me to wonder if I would ever get to bear another child. I mourned the chance to feel a baby inside me, to have that powerful birthing experience, to enjoy that beautiful bond that only nursing can bring. I won't say I felt hopeless- in fact I recall clinging to hope. But I sat with all those feelings for several weeks and recognized the honor it is to bear children. To love someone so completely, so deeply, so fiercely, so profoundly, and so instantly. 

Today I sat staring at Levi and thinking over what the last year has brought. I spent the entire year in some state of sickness/discomfort/pain/inconvenience in relation to the making of him. I would do it all again in a heartbeat (but please- nobody make me). 

I look at him and I see a miracle. I feel blessed. I feel grateful beyond words. I feel happy and elated and I don't want to miss a moment of it. 

I can't believe three months have gone by. He laughed for the first time two weeks ago. He beams when you make eye contact with him- the kind of smile that involves his whole body. From his content and cheerful disposition to his good sleeping habits and his slightly altered ear, he has my heart. 

I would sleep in fragmented blocks of time and smell like spit up forever if he could just stay my tiny baby. I swear it's true. 

Just about every day I thank him for coming to our family. I don't know if he had a say in that or not. But I want him to know how grateful I am that he's here and that he's mine.  He slid right into our hearts and brings us all a daily chunk of pure joy. 

The First Thanksgiving (with Indians and Pilgrims and the whole shabang)

....that Jason and MaShay ever traveled 20 hours to come to our house. Minus the Pilgrims and Indians. Plus eleven kids, including two nursing infants. Add in a torn LCL for Jason, black friday shopping for the moms, the Ferreiras for dinner, lots of late night grown up talks, and waaaaay too many delicious cheeseburgers from various places, and it equals a truly great holiday. Now that's a math I can get behind. 

Rhone and Emmett are pretty much the best of the besties. Thick as thieves. They broke all kinds of rules together, and got away with a lot of it-partly out of too much chaos, mostly because it was hilarious. Their bond was forged out of their love of potty talk and cemented with Batman, cars, and tractors. 

Nora and Elise were similarly glued together, only brought together by the finer things in life- ie: dresses, the color pink, purses, and princesses. 

As for Levi and Paige, they took naked diaper pictures together against their will so they pretty much have to be tight forever and ever.

Lila toted Kate around and ate up the fact that she had a little person to care for.

Anabelle drifted between groups, eavesdropping on every possible adult conversation and locking away bits of information into the superhuman vault that is her brain.  

Cousin friends are legit as it gets.  

School was a bit of a joke this week. Not in a funny way. More like in a, "Oh snap, make sure we read all the signs at the zoo so they learn something" sort of way. But we just had to soak up all the family time we could. We really had a great time with MaShay and Jason and consider them not only family, but wonderful friends. Hopefully next year we'll be moving closer to them and these get togethers will be without the elements of stress that accompany travel. But the fact that they were willing to endure those factors to party with us naturally bumps them up on our Christmas list. Actually, time bumped them up on our Christmas list and it was a nice thing that they were here while it was our rotation to give to each other. Saved me a trip to the post office and I got to see them open their presents. Just kidding about the post office too. I would never cheat on Amazon with the post office. 

They've been gone for several days and I keep thinking about them. Mostly because we're all still sick as a result of this week-long party, but also because I really loved having them here. And also, they left a lot of stuff here and I keep finding it everywhere. 

This Thanksgiving when we counted our blessings, family landed pretty near the top of our list. 

Lila's happy place

Having something furry to carry around and mother brings her immeasurable joy. It brings out all the best parts of her. It seems to heal her soul. She seems connected. She has peace. It can be difficult to capture her real smile in a picture. Right until you put an animal or a baby on her lap. And if it's a baby animal-you're golden. And then the love in her heart spreads over her face, and you have captured the essence of Lila