Nash

I have mentally avoided writing about this for months now. But I realized that this is the real reason I have this blog. It's not to catalog incidental meaningless activities, but to record sacred feelings and experiences. Things that change me. Things that teach and form me. Above all, things that strengthen my testimony, and consequently the testimonies of those who will follow me. 

So this is the story of Nash, from my perspective. 

We had a few weeks left in Utah before our Oklahoma move. I was packing and listening to a talk about the capacity and power of women. My neighbor dropped by to tell me something and while she was there Cody called. I didn't answer, thinking I would call him right back after she left. When I tried, he didn't pick up. Then Braden called and told me that he had just spoken with Cody. They just learned that their baby, who was due in a week or two, had no heartbeat. Jess was being induced and they wondered if we would come down. Cody wanted a blessing from Braden and they wanted some pictures of the baby. We quickly gathered our things and dropped the kids off at Melanie's. 

* (Regrettably, I waited two years to finish this post and I've lost so many of the details that I had felt it so important to record. At the risk of losing all of it, I'll write what has stayed with me and commit not to procrastinate writing about sacred events in the future). 

Cody came out and met us in the hospital waiting room. We all shared heartbreaking, heavy hugs. We expressed our deep sorrow for their situation and let them know that we would be there for any thing they needed. Cody confirmed that Jess was going to give birth naturally again. The thought of her going through that, and then not having a baby on the other side of that harrowing experience, was so hard for me to fathom. I wanted to remove any pain for her possible. But true to who she is, she seemed to want to be the one to deliver her son. 

Braden and I waited, praying, wanting to do something, anything to alleviate the pain. I was online looking for keepsakes to buy, something I could give them in the coming days to comfort their loss. I knew nothing so trite would really change anything but I suppose I was desperate to show love and support. Cody came out and told us that she had delivered. We went to the room and stood outside waiting for our turn to enter the room. I noticed a butterfly outside their door, a sign to all who enter of the nature of the birth. The Dr. emerged from her room, went to a nearby out cove, and lost it. I was relieved to know that someone truly compassionate was caring for Jess, and that she was emotionally involved. In those moments waiting I had the thought that this is the reason we were still in Utah. We were supposed to have moved months ago and an extension allowed us to be here for this situation. I expressed that to Braden and he readily agreed.  

Details and order of events have become fuzzy. What I will always remember is holding Nash when we first entered the room. His body was warm and he was absolutely beautiful. His spirit didn't feel to me like that of a dependent newborn. It was one of glory and nobleness, maturity and strength. I felt honored to be holding what felt like a mighty spirit. His skin was like velvet and I never wanted to put him down. He just emanated a peace that is truly unearthly. 

There were other photographers there, and I felt really unsure of what to do. It didn't seem like they were taking that many pictures and there seemed to be priceless moments happening that weren't being captured. But it also felt wrong to be a paparazzi during these sacred moments that would truly be once in a lifetime. I erred on the side of being obnoxious and I thought that if it were me I would want the option of having pictures later to look at. 

We spent the next several hours with them as they all held, cuddled, and soaked up every bit of Nash they could. I was blown away by Jess's strength through every moment. I have no doubt that she was attended by the angels of heaven.

 We took Adalee and Owen home that night. Braden was putting them to bed and I went to work around the house. I noticed Jess was in the process of washing the baby clothes so I finished that and put them up so she wouldn't have to see them. I remember being on hands and knees, in the middle of the night, scrubbing the bathroom floor and toilet and feeling the spirit very strongly. I had the feeling that I was doing what the Savior would do if he were there. That he didn't do the flashy and important tasks, but that He did what eased burdens, and He did it out of pure love. I knew in that moment that I was doing perhaps the most truly Christlike service I had done in my life, because my intent was so pure. Feeling the spirit in that way while scrubbing a toilet taught me a beautiful lesson about loving and serving as the Savior would.

We were able to watch Cody and Jess throughout these enormously difficult moments and days. I will always feel so very grateful for the chance we had to share in the love, light, and peace of Nash's glorious spirit. I feel so thankful to them for sharing him with me and allowing me to hold him when they had so little time themselves. He changed me. He feels like a friend to me. In those days the gospel becomes everything to you. All the distractions and trivialities melt away and only the lasting things matter. Your testimony, and your family. When we walked into the room with the kids the morning after, sitting on Jess's hospital tray was an open Book of Mormon. I'll never forget that example. She had one night to spend with her baby. Precious hours to look at him and take him in. And she spent time in the scriptures. It said more to me about her heart than a thousand testimonies or well taught lessons. That was her living the gospel. Clinging to it in her hours of despair and darkness. It was beautiful. 

This was Jess giving him a bath. It was perhaps the hardest thing to watch . She confirmed to me later that it was an incredibly difficult moment, to know that this would be the only time she would get to do anything for him as his mother.  I think she looks as beautiful as anything I have ever seen. I believe with all my heart and soul that she was attended by legions of angels. She strengthened everybody who walked in that room. She was kind, she smiled, she cried but with deep peace. It was very apparent why Cody and Jess were chosen to be Nash's parents. 

That little guy has a majesty and nobleness about him. I can't get over the spirit that emanated from him. I hope I can always remember the feel of his skin and the powerful feeling it invoked in me to hold him. I consider him a very special friend.