what I've let go

A friend recently told me that she'd read it to be true that a mother really has to have at least four children in order to let go of unnecessary things in her life. This friend has three kids with no intentions of having anymore. She wanted to know what I've let go, so that she could also let those things go without having to have any more babies. It was a silly conversation really, but it stayed with me for days after as I do think I've been on a progressive journey of 'letting go'. It hasn't been intentional. It's been necessary and functional and natural. I think it's still happening a little everyday. 

I had set the Christmas tree up and had the lights on it. The tub of ornaments was sitting close by. The kids rushed in, took in the situation, and excitedly asked if they could decorate the tree. I had so many things I was trying to get done in the kitchen that I said "sure", thinking in my mind that I would fix or re-arrange what would certainly be an aesthetic disaster after they went to bed. I got my stuff done, they decorated the tree gleefully, and I didn't think about it again. Not ever. Not once in the entire month of December did I think about that tree, except to throw out occasional ornaments broken by Emmett. I'm sure some branches had 3 or 4 ornaments on it, while branches right next to it were completely bare. Christmas still happened. What's more, I'm sure it was more magical for them to have completed that together without me hovering and fixing.

When the month was over and I recognized the contrast this was with the Julie of Christmas's past, I realized this was the perfect example of things I've let go.

Others that come to mind: milestone pictures/blog posts/journaling. Pintrest worthy dinners/deserts/decor/family home evenings. Organized closets and drawers, maintained nails and eyebrows. Friendships with people who don't live next door to me, being early for anything, returning library books on time. Now I won't pretend that I was previously the poster girl of the aforementioned things, but now they seem completely and hopelessly out of reach.

Basically I've cut the majority of nonessential frill from my life. I recognize that on the hierarchy of actual things that matter, I have climbed the ladder and I'm not likely to come down for a few decades. There are just so many true immediate needs right in front of me that making a new seasonal wreath is laughable, to say nothing of a decent Sunday dinner. 

Lots of small people all at once provide you with a pretty narrow focus- it's them! It's a delicate thing to find the balance of cutting out trivialities so you can have your priorities straight, with losing yourself completely in the mundane tasks of motherhood. 

I  don't know how to do that yet. But letting go of a few things has been a step in the right direction.