"That was really crappy"! or "Deployments suck"!
Whichever title sits best with you, they're all true. Tomorrow marks one month since Braden came back. A month passes a lot easier when he's around, that's for sure. His arrival time changed several times throughout the day but it ended up coming in at 11 at night. He had said that I could do whatever I wanted, but that he would love me to bring the kids, even if it meant pulling them out of bed in the middle of the night. I woke the kids up and told them Dad was on base and we were going to get him. Anabelle was in a sort of disbelief/half sleep, Lila was pumped up and out of bed in record time, and Maisey asked if we could go back to bed after we got him. It wasn't quite the reunion as it was last time because I had a tired clinging Elise that I couldn't put down, and a tired freezing Maisey who was crying on my leg. But still, that moment of holding each other and smelling each other, and knowing that we made it- it's unlike anything else. It's magical even. It's beautiful and emotional and precious. Because when I look at these pictures, I see something different than everyone else sees. I see me throwing up day and night while the kids destroy the house, and then me trying to clean it, feeling just a shred above death. Only for it to repeat the next day. I see me balling at my lack of ability to control, help, know what to do with Lila. My struggle with her was more than anyone will ever know. There were plenty of truly low, low points for me and for the most part everyday was an immense struggle. Between that and pregnancy sickness, I really feel completely sucked dry. Not to say that there weren't tender mercies. And help from sweet friends and family. Because there was. And I'll feel forever grateful for that. I am a big believer that there are blessings and good in every situation, and this deployment was no exception. However, let's be real here- the moment we got in the car from picking him up I sat back and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not having the entire weight of our family on my shoulders was so incredibly freeing. And although he had been home for two minutes and hadn't yet done anything to help me, just knowing that I wasn't in it alone anymore was amazing. As we were walking to the car Maisey was being carried by Braden and she looked up into his face and said, "Daddy! It's the best that you're not gone anymore!!" I couldn't agree more. I'm trying to fight off that part of me that is already filled with dread and horror for the next time.
Maisey didn't exactly get to go back to bed when we got home. Braden got all the girls chocolate from Ireland and me a beautiful tea set from Qatar, which we all enjoyed before being tucked back in.
Being back together is fantastic. We feel so happy and so blessed and so giddy to get to do the little things together again. I love feeling that way. I always want to feel that way. Have deployments given us that gift? Perhaps. And for that I am grateful. Jack Johnson said it best, "It's always better when we're together".
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